10 years ago I became a mother. My body, mind and soul completely transformed. 10 years ago I was reborn. Today, on this special day I wanted to write a letter to that young woman who sat in a hospital bed rocking her baby and singing Bob Marley’s Three Little Birds through tears and sobs, to the scared mamma who had no idea if she could carry the responsibilities and services she had witnessed others doing so well.
Dear mamma,
I know your body aches and your heart feels like it could burst at any moment but you’ve got this. I know your boobs hurt and you feel like you’ve lost your way, that you’re in too deep but you’ve got this. I know your tummy and thighs are unrecognisable and you are wondering when you will ever wear tight jeans again and how awful and guilty you feel by just worrying about stretch marks right now but you’ve got this.
You will make so many mistakes, mistakes that will dig a deep hole in your soul and nestle there for years. But one day you will uncover them and wear them as badges of honour. You will spend hours on bathroom floors shaming yourself, you will hide away the pain and discomfort this new role has brought up and your constant terrifying thoughts of losing your baby. That one never goes away but the volume will decrease and you will one day be able to speak about those intrusive thoughts and discover that most mothers feel the same way.
You will say things you never thought you would say and do things you never thought you were ever capable of doing. You will talk about poo and analyse its contents, you will read and learn about sleep to great extents, you will stop drinking alcohol and take shit loads of photos, all the fucking time. You will hold and embrace that baby as he grows older and feel his bones and flesh as part of you, he will bury his head in your chest or the nape of your neck and you will say to your self that if you were to die right now, you would die happy.
You will discover hidden powers, you will feel that motherly and animalistic instinct kick in, you will know strength and resilience like never before.
You will become part of a tribe, a mob, a gang of women who will stop at no end to ensure this world is a better place for their babies. You will know endurance and patience and love on levels you never thought possible.
You will regret the moments you fucked up, the times when you rushed through the days because you were so busy or so tired you could barely stand up. You will have so many regrets and yet you will survive and thrive.
One day you will arrive to a place where your baby boy will be ten years old and you’ll be watching your favourite movies with him and singing your favourite songs in the car, a moment when you watch him walk to school with a backpack full of books and it will take every single iota of strength to not run to him and hold him so tightly you will feel nothing and nobody else exists in the whole world.
There will come a day when you tell him how fucking much and how deep you love him and he will tell you: Mamma, don’t swear!
There will come a moment when you will feel so proud of yourself, mamma. You’ve got this. x
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