I am incredibly excited about this blog post and thankful to life coach Alexia Vlahos Kolokasides for writing it and sharing the five most effective ways we can learn to be conscious, calm and loving parents. Grab a cup of tea and be prepared to stop the angry parenting cycle.
I’m supposed to be a Conscious Parent. I’m supposed to have it all together. I read books and follow pod casts! Well, newsflash. I don’t have it all together.
My work as a Life Coach has given me mountains of knowledge of the mind and emotional intelligence yet I am far from the perfect mum. In fact, if I could write down my flaws and the number of wrong decisions I’ve taken as a parent I know it would be a long list. But you know what, I honestly don’t care. And neither will my kids when they look back on their childhood.
Parenting is freaking hard! And it becomes a steep uphill struggle when we keep getting sucked into that horrible vortex of anger and helplessness. Do you know what I’m talking about? Those moments where nothing you say or do gets through to your child. When all they want is WHAT THEY WANT and no amount of ‘parenting’ can be heard or taken into consideration. You know what I’m talking about. Those moments where things just seem to be falling apart and you’re not sure if you can take another second of it all.
We’ve all been there.
But I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be that way.
Conscious parenting is not easy. In the beginning it can be pretty messy but once you get used to practicing daily with your child, and yourself, it’s such a rewarding experience. You’ll notice the connection with your child deepening. And by doing so you’ll soon turn those battles into lessons of growth.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re the angriest mum on the block try the following five simple and highly effective strategies to help you defuse the energy during these challenging situations.
By using these tools you will be emptying your ‘anger bucket’ making you better-equipped to respond to your child in a resourceful, conscious and aware state thereby building even more trust, respect and connection.
1. In The Heat Of The Moment, Pull Out Your ‘PAUSE’ Card
When a difficult situation arises, it is important to realise that you have a choice about how you will respond. You are not a victim of your emotions. Whatever the situation is, I have found that when I take a pause and refrain from thinking, talking, doing any bodily actions and just freeze my moment in time, take a deep breath and retreat inside, my mind just opens to completely alternative options. It is truly amazing! I learnt this from Dr. Shefali Tsabary who is a pioneer in Conscious Parenting and author of a few books in this line of thought.
It has worked wonders in my life as a mum where I really wanted to (dare I say it here) strangle my kids. There, I said it!
But it’s not just about taking a deep breath. It’s about switching off your brain and cutting off all energy feeding the situation. Stopping ALL thought. ALL action. Retreating inside, to the heart and WAITING in space and time. The grace of God has saved me and my kids many times with this trick. You can do it anywhere and anytime. Sometimes I even say an internal prayer like ‘Please God help us through this crazy moment so that we can come out of it closer and even more connected and loved’ and it works. I promise you IT WORKS. This is my first line of defence when we’re going through a storm.
And you don’t need to be religious to do this. Love resides inside all of us and when we call upon it, miracles really do happen. I truly believe that.
2. Too Late To PAUSE? Say THANK YOU!
If you haven’t managed to PAUSE and the situation has gotten out of control, whatever it may be, I STRONGLY RECOMMEND you remove yourself from the environment. Make sure your child is in a safe space and get yourself OUTSIDE for fresh air. If the sun is out, turn your gaze up to her with your eyes closed and just feel the warmth on your skin.
Force yourself to give thanks for your ability to have gotten this far and find and inkling of courage to rejoice that you can breathe that fresh air outside. Give yourself that moment to cry if you feel you need to. It will help you to relax.
A few minutes should help you calm down and regroup. Now that you’re a bit calmer, find one more thing to be grateful for. Gratitude takes us from a state of panic, fear and anger to a state of calm, love and joy in a matter of seconds. It is one of THE most important emotions that we can choose to serve ourselves. Once you are there, you are ready to attend to the situation at hand. Return to your children and connect from a place of love. When everyone is calm you can sit down and talk about what happened and explain why you left the room. Be open with your children about your emotions and theirs and how it’s OK to feel everything. Help them to see that it’s not ok to stay in those emotions for too long. Take them out for a walk and give them a chance to kick the dirt or a ball to release the emotions while you start connecting again.
3. Be Curious
Take any situation (child related) you’ve had that has been filed in your mind as an X situation (difficult, rough, bad kids, won’t listen to me, I’m angry again etc). Get a clear picture of the situation in your mind without really re-living it. Now, bring that picture out onto an imaginary screen in front of you and pretend that you are the director of the movie analysing your acting. Ask yourself some questions…
• What made me so angry about this situation?
• What caused me to react the way I did?
• Is this about my kids or is it about me?
• What is my agenda here? Is it ego based?
• Is there something I can’t let go of?
• What am I resisting?
• Is this in-line with my values?
• Have I experienced something similar as a child with my parents?
• How did they react?
• What message was I getting?
• How could they have responded differently?
• How am I showing up for my kids as a parent?
• Am I repeating the parenting cycle of my parents? Do I want to repeat it?
• How could I have responded differently so that an understanding and open connection is created with my child instead of a disconnection and guilt?
This is a beautiful way for you to dig a little deeper into what triggers you and eventually discover the road to calm and conscious parenting. I strongly suggest you write down whatever answers come up so that you can look at them and question them and get to know yourself a little better.
4. A Spoonful Of Laughter
This is a challenging one especially when we are stuck on angry thoughts. Our body chemistry gets involved so it’s tricky to bypass this process but still very possible and rewarding. In coaching, I refer to this as physiology. It is not easy to fool the body.
Try thinking of something really sad while you are purposefully smiling. Or do the opposite, think of something happy and hunch your shoulders over and try to look sad and cry.Not easy!
With your children, you need to act fast! When you see things are going down the wrong road, being the aware and in-tune parent that you are, take immediate action and put on your ‘silly’ hat. Get on the floor, or on the sofa’s and do what you can to turn the situation around and in your favour. This is where you will have to overcome your mind and bodily urges to either stay angry or kick the habit and choose joy instead. Do you think you and your children deserve joy instead? Your children are more likely to cooperate when they are having fun. I’m not saying you should ignore bad behaviour. I’m suggesting you get off the angry train as quick as possible so you can redirect the behaviour to a state of calmness and love. If you are angry and your child is angry there is not much constructive work you can do in that state. You are more likely to do something you will regret later. You are more likely to set boundaries that your child will adhere to if you’re connecting in a resourceful manner. I know as a mum it’s very easy to become the fun police and the sergeant of control but we tend to get carried away sometimes and forget to have fun. At least I do. My kids gawk at me in shock when I put on my silly hat and I find myself doing that more and more these days. It releases the ‘crazy’ juices and it’s great for the whole atmosphere at home and boosts the dopamine levels in our brains which in turn boosts happy feelings and the immune system!
5. My child ‘The Iceberg’ (if you really get this, you are on the right track)
This is an image I’d like you to keep in the forefront of your mind as a parent FOREVER and I’ll explain why! Imagine a picture of an iceberg in the Arctic sea. Now with the same iceberg in mind, imagine the huge part of it that is not visible, that lies beneath the ocean’s surface and goes deep down into the abyss.
The whole iceberg is your child. The visible part that can be seen above the ocean is your child’s behaviour while the invisible part below the surface is the deeper meaning for your child’s behaviour. Behaviour is a form of communicating something. There is a reason behind all behaviour.
This image will help you understand WHY your child may be behaving the way he/she is and give you the opportunity to respond appropriately without getting angry. As a parent you are in a position to help your child understand why they may be behaving the way they are and provide them with the tools to communicate their feelings so their needs get met on a deeper level. Children don’t feel love from the mountain of toys they have. They don’t sense security by being carted to countless activities or play dates. They don’t feel respected by decisions being made for them without considering their opinions. They feel powerless at the hands of their parents. From a place of awareness, with this iceberg as your tool, you will start to understand your child better which will help you deal with moments that result in angry reactions.
As a parent, this iceberg image also applies to you. Your behaviour also stems from deep down. Getting to know your inner landscape will help you to respond even better to your child. Go back to ‘Be Curious’ and run through those questions again with the iceberg image in mind. They will reveal much to you regarding your behaviour as a parent. As a mom, when I take a moment to decipher my own internal landscape, decode my own thoughts, fears, agendas and the likes, the interactions I have with my children are way more positive. This process allows me to transform potentially tense and highly emotional situations into highly meaningful and deeply connecting ones. Getting into the conscious mind-set before engaging with my children allows me to reap the benefits of a strengthening relationship.
I know these tools will help you on your parenting journey as they have helped me. Parenting this way is incredibly rewarding as it allows my children to show me the areas I need to work on from the inside.
If you are interested in learning more about Conscious Parenting Alexia runs regular group workshops that guide parents on this beautiful and incredible journey. She also provides private Life Coaching services for those that want to punch the juices of transformation into their lives but don’t know how!
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To get in touch with Alexia check out her website www.rippleeffect.com.cy or call 99548085 or e-mail at alexia@rippleeffect.com.cy / you can also find her on Facebook.
