September is around the corner and I had a whole blog post ready to go, listing all the reasons I am NOT as excited about my favourite month as I used to be. Once I started reading it, I realised it made no sense and kinda reminded me of a diary entry so I deleted the whole thing. Now, let’s get on with it.
So why am I no longer excited about September and the beautiful prospect of ALL the kids finally going back to school, which means that for several hours during the day I won’t be breaking up fights and making snacks? And why did I delete a 989 word blog post?
September no longer bringing me all the you-can-do-anything vibes and high levels of productivity and creativity that I normally get is down to one of the most popular words of the last 18 months: uncertainty. I remember getting my hopes up last year, patiently awaiting the moment when those golden gates would open, I would usher my kids through and then speed off to enjoy absolute fucking peace and quiet. Well, as much peace and quiet as you can get with one kid – not complaining, one is much better than three! – who by the way will also be attending school this year. I mean, I am finally at that point where all three kids will be in school and I can spend my mornings doing whatever the fuck I want and I’m not jumping for joy!!! Because I know that joy could be snatched from me at any moment.
Instead I have a constant knot in my stomach, last year’s stress and trauma still giving me nightmares, not allowing my to even savour the absolute joy of free mornings and the opportunities to realise MY dreams and hopes, as a person, not just a mum. I worry about my kids getting sick, I cringe at the thought of a runny nose causing cancellations in my schedule. I feel like crying every time I think of schools closing and online schooling opening. Been there, done that. Do NOT want to repeat.
I am also quite angry, obviously, about the way this pandemic has been handled, about the fact that there are still people who don’t ‘believe’ there is a pandemic – if you know me well, you know it’s taking every fibre of mental strength not to fly off the handle here about certain conspiracy theories and theorists. I’m angry and disappointed with so many people, I’ve lost loved ones – literally- I feel frustrated, anxious and cautious, most of the time. Definitely not the healthiest way to live but in the words of the mighty Glennon Doyle: You’re actually not a mess at all. You’re just a feeling person in a messy world. You are exactly right to feel a lot right now. It does not mean you’re weak – it means you’re strong enough to be paying attention. Be gentle with you, please.
I repeat the last words to myself often. And it helps.
It’s taken me over 5 days to write this post. That’s how exhausted and fucked up I feel. And honestly? I actually really feel I am doing my best. I keep striving to be the kind of mama my boys need, to be a good friend/sister/partner, to eat healthily and drink loads of water and I still desperately need and want to keep doing the work I’m doing. Today, FB came up with a memory, a post I published two years ago today about the projects I was excited about creating once James, my second baby, started school. I wrote about a 30-day detox, which was grand and something I would love to do again soon. And I wrote this: “Also seriously considering doing a podcast with mums from Cyprus, sharing their experiences. Am I the only one who thinks that would be hilarious?” I wrote about how I love small projects, like cleaning out drawers and dropping off donations but how I love the big ones too, the ones where you dare to dream. And then make it happen. I had NO intention of creating a podcast, as I wrote here when I launched Mamma Mu I didn’t have a budget, I didn’t have a studio, no equipment and obviously absolutely no clue HOW to even begin.
The podcast is currently listed on all major podcast platforms, it has close to 10,000 downloads, it is now being recorded in a studio, hosted on the first Cypriot audio platform and promoted by a production company. There are over 50 episodes with many more to come as it has now reached the point where guests are asking to come on the show! Makes me wanna cry soooo much. Not sure if it’s gratitude or bafflement or admiration, I just feel like crying and doing the Hunger Games three-finger salute.
Oh! I forgot to mention something else: a new project that stormed into my life and changed it forever. I can’t reveal too much but after listening to my podcast, a few months ago, I got a call from a cinematographer who asked me to help him make a documentary about the women of Cyprus! During our time working together, he has given me the opportunity to interview over 30 different women including celebrated activists, feminists, politicians and artists. I have sat opposite extraordinary women, some of whom I have admired for years and others who I have just met and have nothing but respect for them. The documentary is a big part of my life right now, I think about it, the work and research, the knowledge I have gained and will keep gaining and I feel a wave of excitement wash over me.
Now, on we go, with whatever superpowers we have left. See you on the other side ✌️
