sleep, precious sleep

Georgie has never been an `easy’ baby. The first six months were rough and I often found myself wondering if I was in over my head and if a baby was really what I wanted. At this point I would like not to have to add how much I love my son, how much meaning he has brought to my life but society’s pressure bears down on my shoulders as this is something many mothers feel they need to do to balance the unpleasantries they occasionally express about life with a new baby. I want to scream at them: “You’re just being honest!” I can’t tell you how many times I thought of stopping strangers with kids at the mall and asking them if I could pick their brains.”How many hours does your baby sleep?” “Do you rock him?” “How often does he or she eat?” “Did you use a Moses basket?” “Does your baby sleep with you in bed or in a separate room?” He just wasn’t sleeping enough, didn’t seem happy enough so, I thought, I must be doing something wrong! Maybe there’s another way.

Throughout my pregnancy I read numerous articles and stories about babies and how much life can change when you have one but not once did I come across something that expressed the painful reality. I was prepared for sleepless nights- many, many articles and parents give warnings about this- but no one actually said what sleep deprivation can do to you. Team that with a colic baby- an issue I will get into another time- breastfeeding for hours on end, not being able to go to the toilet or have a shower without someone else in the house and you have a very unhappy new mother. When Georgie was three months I literally got sick, feverous and weak from lack of sleep. On more occasions than I care to remember, he didn’t sleep AT ALL throughout the night, briefly napping on my chest while I shut my eyes and fell asleep in an upright position.

Once my husband was home or a giddy grandparent came round to visit I would escape to the balcony for a few puffs and some fresh air. I would watch people walking or driving by and wonder if they had a baby and if they did how they managed to leave the house and carelessly wander to the shop or the 24 hour DVD store. Life as I knew it was officially over, I would tell myself. When he did finally sleep, I would climb into bed sometimes as early as seven just to catch a couple hours of sleep before he woke requesting another 45-minute feed. But I felt the need to stay up too. To spend time with my husband, to chat with friends on the phone, to check my e-mails, to bake a cake -nine months have gone by and  I still haven’t made a single cupcake!

Motherhood is hard. Much much harder than women let on. It can knock the wind out of you and bring you to your knees………… but it does get better. Somehow all this, all the fears and tears, just go away. And when that little one says mama, smiles at you, strokes your face and kisses you, nothing and I mean, nothing else matters. How else can you justify a growing population????