It’s that time again. The days after and the days before. After the summer holidays, beaches, ice cream and long humid nights. And before school, lunch boxes, falling leaves and cooler evenings. In my head the routine is perfect, I know the tune and a sense of comfort sets in. But in my heart things are different this time.
Covid, lockdown and a global pandemic. That should be enough to rock anyone’s boat and it did. It’s still rocking us! But what it also did was uncover a myriad of other things that are just plain wrong in this world. It’s like this year has sucked up every single major global issue we once forgot how to fight for and spit them right back in our face. All of a sudden we’re left standing there, shaking and quivering, unable to find our footing, unable to breathe, completely paralysed by fear. Our routines, schedules, busy days and above all, certainty were how we felt grounded. Some vital part of that is gone now, no wonder we’re left stark naked in the cold with no clue what to do next.
I’m not really sure what I want to say with this post. It’s mainly a I Am Back to Blogging announcement but because I have been having intense feelings about some of the aforementioned global issues and other personal turmoils, I can’t just upload a bunch of photos taken over the summer and slap on a happy caption. I didn’t even take that many to be honest.
My summer started off badly. The reason for that is personal, a family issue that I cannot write about. Not because it hurts too much -it does! and I would love to tell you how much- but because legally, I can’t. Suffice to say, it brought up questions about the decency in human beings and the disgusting, inexplicable levels we can reach, immense anger and pain, and a strong intense, almost wild desire to make changes. Now!
Something has been stirring inside me for a while now that intensified with our family matter at the beginning of the summer. And then the explosion in Beirut hit my front door, quite literally. I felt the blast, I saw the affect it had. Moments later I watched the videos on social media. I found it hard to breathe, to make sense of what I was experiencing. I was imagining the horror that was taking place not far from me. And then a flood of tears. I felt incredible sadness that lasted for days, which was strange, especially as I was on a four-day holiday with no kids! And then another strange thing happened: I felt a sense of anger and frustration. Suddenly everything felt like an exposed nerve, every injustice, every inequity and discrimination, oppression and violation was causing discomfort, pain that was trickling into a puddle of boiling hot anger. I wanted to scream for the unfair loss of souls all over the world, I wanted to howl for the children left without mothers and for the mothers left without children, I wanted to stand up and fight for the abuse of women and girls everywhere, I wanted to take a stance with people who look nothing like me.
Anger isn’t always a bad thing, something to avoid, hide, disguise, a place you should never go. If there’s one thing I have learnt so far this year, it’s that it’s ok to be angry because it means you care. For me, it has come to look like a source of power. My sensitivity, once called a weakness, is blossoming into a powerful and beautiful tree with branches strong enough to hold up those who need it.
Nowadays, I am dedicated to finding ways to channel my anger. Some you may hear about because I will write about it or talk about it and some are just for me, my private revolution. But everything starts with my family, my community. No grand ideas or big revolutions, but quiet changes, small interventions, lots of unlearning and a thirst to keep learning more. I read once that women always feel a passion or a calling coming from within, an unsettling they are not sure what to do with. I know that feeling so I read on. Apparently and very wisely-put, your calling and passion lies where your heart is, what touches it and causes a stirring, what makes you cry and wish for a better world.
OK so two of my kids go back to school tomorrow and hopefully a new normal will set in. I am scheduling podcast interviews and pulling together bi-weekly shows starting soon on Black Lemon TV. I will be doing the school run and packing lunches, dropping off/picking up dry cleaning, food shopping and laundry. And you better believe I will be doing it all with wild untamed anger bubbling up inside. xxx
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Some links to school blog posts you may find useful
First day at school, separation anxiety.
Does your child take money to school?
A separation anxiety tip for school.
After-school schedule, do you have one?
