We had argued for the millionth time that week. We were heading into deep waters, something had to change. After hours of contemplating and analysing this change, I decided to send him a message containing everything I was feeling. Everything, the good, the bad and the very ugly. I am a stay-at-home mum raising three kids, two of which are under three, with a 20-month old age gap and a lot of energy. I am exhausted, as you can imagine. But on that morning when I poured my heart into a single viber message, the relief was instant. Because I had finally spoken up and somehow I knew I would be getting what I wanted: support.
When Birth Forward asked me to take part in a support workshop group for mums, of course I was going to go. I left the two older boys with their dad, packed a bag of toys and snacks for the little one and went to my first monthly support group for mums in Nicosia, in the stunning Ledra Palace area on a beautiful spring Saturday morning. Within minutes of exchanging words with my fellow mothers I knew I would leave armed with positive vibes.
It’s been a while since I started speaking up about this rollercoaster ride we call motherhood. The first year after my third baby boy was born I experienced what can only be described as a shock to my very core. I had experienced something similar when Georgie was born, the type of shock you get when you realise nothing is ever going to be the same again and you are not well-equipped. But this time I felt I had fallen into a black bottomless pit, that I was drowning, trying to keep everyone afloat, aimlessly kicking my legs and constantly losing the battle.
Posting little paragraphs on Instagram , and talking about the reality of what I was ‘doing’, here on the blog, only came when I had noticed a shift on social media. Slowly but loudly, mums from all over the world were speaking up about the ugly side of being a mum, capturing powerful raw images of the low points we all reach, sometimes on a daily basis, whilst in the midst of figuring out how to be an adult and parent! We are trying to raise the future and it ain’t easy. Words and pictures of mothers crying, drowning in laundry, throwing food away that was made with love but swept off the floor, feeling guilty, being judged. It’s all exploding now and creating a perfect mess.
As it should be because supporting mothers means talking about all the shit – literally too!- we drag ourselves through. Yes, I love my babies and I am grateful for the life I have but that doesn’t mean that it’s all good. It’s not. It’s a million other things too. It’s all these fucking feelings and responsibilities and duties and feelings! And if there’s one thing I have learnt over the course of these past 15 months it’s that talking about it, helps! Being able to talk about those feelings with someone else who has the exact same feelings and responsibilities and duties creates the most healing vibes you can imagine. Every time I open up and talk about the stuff that scare me or isolate me as a mother I discover I am not alone and it gives me immeasurable strength.
On the day of the support group, which was created to give time and a safe space for every mum to express her feelings and most importantly, to give her the tools she needs to feel empowered during her maternal journey, we talked about ways we can communicate with our partners. Andri, a lovely mum, certified facilitator and parents trainer and psychologist, guided us as we spoke about the anxieties we face, the isolation, the anger, the resentment. Turns out, surprise surprise, we were all experiencing the same, nodding our heads as our fellow mum spoke about her troubles. However awful we may have felt about our miscommunication with our partners or perhaps still feel, during those support group moments, it was -dare I say- ‘normalised’ and OK. And there were ways to fix it. It’s an easy trap to fall into but it needn’t be.
When I decided to let go and just talk about it with one of the people who matter most in my life, I honestly had no clue how much was going to change. I still get goosebumps thinking about it. I had underestimated the power of sharing and forgotten how to communicate efficiently. I’m coming out of the fog now. I think we all are.
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The Maternity Journey, a monthly support group for mums in English by Birth Forward and the centre of systematic psychotherapy, Λόγω Ψυχής.
You can contact Andri Christoudia Gumuskut on 99720418 or email supportgroup@birthforward.com for information or to take part.
