It’s two days before International Women’s Day. I am sitting in a coffee shop, music blaring through my headphones, a half-eaten sandwich and a cup of cold brew with a dash of oat milk next to me. I dropped off my youngest at his grandparents because I wanted to spend some time writing before picking up my other two kids from school. Do you think this is something a man would have to do in order to get one hour of free time?
I’ll be honest, I thought about deleting that because I do not want this to come off as a personal attack on men. I know very well that there are men in our little society who work together with their partners to raise their families, that there are men who do not feel the need to act as the alpha male. My dad is one of them and so is my husband, after some reprogramming. But the point I want to make with that question is that it’s not enough. One or two or 100 men are not going to make a change in an intensely patriarchal society like the one we live in. More needs to be done. As the host of a parenting platform and a podcast aimed at women I feel it is my duty to inform you that what we do as parents MATTERS.
You’ve heard of the gender pay gap, you’ve heard of unspeakable acts of violence against women, you know very well how our basic human rights are being trampled on, ridiculed and completely ignored all over the world. So much needs to be done to change all this and it hurts to think of all the injustice but thankfully right now there are initiatives on our little island such as Είναι η Ώρα (It is time) a group of women who are working on eradicating as much of this patriarchal bullshit as possible. Season 3 of the Mamma Mu podcast, this month, will kick off with an interview with one of the initiative’s representatives. A lovely and passionate discussion you will feel inspired by.
But we can’t afford to rest at ease on this type of problem solving. Recognising and correcting some basic and fundamental stereotypical habits we have as humans, so that includes both men and women, can make a massive difference. We have to consider the baby steps we can take right now, the small changes we could easily achieve. We have to acknowledge the fact that most of us are in fact guilty of stereotyping no matter how progressive we like to think we are. When we do not give our sons the option of a ballet class or a manicure or our daughters the freedom to chose what they want to wear and remind them it’s ok to not always be pretty and nice, isn’t that discrimination? We have to be aware of a little thing called conditioning, of certain myths and archaic beliefs that no good can come from.
What scares me is that I think many of us are actually completely unaware we are doing and saying things everyday that contribute to this ridiculous social system. I don’t think the mother I once saw in a shop telling her daughter she couldn’t buy a toy truck because it was a boy’s toy even thought of the conditioning she was creating. I don’t think my grandmother thought she was doing anything wrong when on my wedding day she told me that I must obey my husband. I don’t think it occurred to a dad I know that he was causing irrevocable damage when he told his daughter she shouldn’t wear a short skirt because she might get raped. The marginalisation and inequalities are rooted in everything we do and everything we are.
Shortly after that podcast chat I asked myself what I was actually doing to make a change. As a mother of three boys living in Cyprus please know the pressure is on, as I try to raise gentle, sensitive and kind men much to the dismay of a shocking number of people. I see little boys being told to not cry, to toughen up, to show others who’s boss. Let’s start by stopping that at least.
I fear we are too involved in separating the two genders, that we are putting too much emphasis on something that is too complicated to simply be defined by biology. We have forgotten the basic principles of human decency, respect, kindness, integrity. Those have nothing to do with whether you have a penis or a vagina, do they?
I go above and beyond to show my boys how strong I am. And sometimes I feel silly for doing things I don’t even like, like getting out a screwdriver to fix a broken toy -so annoying especially when it has lights and sounds- or lifting up ridiculous amounts of weight – once I carried the baby pram with the baby in it and five shopping bags down a broken escalator much to be eldest son’s bemusement. But I need them to see that I can do the same things their dad can do. I have to go that extra mile if I want to make a difference. It’s sad but true.
How we are raising our children will play a massive role in how our society will evolve or not. I promise to do my best, my part and raise boys who say please and thank you and I’m sorry, who acknowledge emotions, who will stand up for what they believe in, will respect all people, clean up after themselves, cook and bake. Will you do the same?
