It feels like a lovely and proper winter’s late afternoon as I sit on my veranda with a cup of freshly grated ginger tea and my laptop, taking in the natural sound of the outdoors as opposed to my kids screaming and arguing. I’ve been locked up with them for a month.
I’ve done this before back when I had Danny while James was under two and Georgie was heading to the third grade. I had been cooped up at home with nowhere to go and nothing to do except there WERE a million things to do. I spent over a year with them by my side almost 24/7. And that was when I hit rock bottom and shifted my perceptions, to cut a long story short. You can read more on how I lost my sanity here and how I found it with the help of conscious parenting. So this whole lockdown situation right now is a major trigger point for me but then it is for so many in so many other ways and that means it’s a painful time for all of us. And that is how it’s supposed to be.
I got in my car and drove to the supermarket today for the first time in three weeks. Felt so completely and weirdly fucked up. It was almost euphoric and devastating at the same time. I think I cried at some point when the music was blaring and it was just me. It’s the small things, it’s always been about them.
Anyway, here’s a quick little blog post to share some thoughts, musings, notes.
Note #1 This is hard. Everything about this whole situation is hard. It’s a pandemic after all. It’s hard to stay home, it’s hard to not worry, it’s hard to not feel sad, it’s hard cooking, cleaning, working and feeding kids and partners. It’s hard not to feel the urge to escape sometimes.
Note #2 I am not OK. I am grieving the loss of something I had, be that my life before the pandemic, my routine, my freedom, Sunday lunches with my family and going out with friends, a cup of coffee in a busy cafe, music blaring in my ears. I have lost all that, for a little while I know, but still, it’s a shock and I need time to process that. But ain’t that how you grow? Through the pain and the hardship? I just can’t ignore it and pretend as if nothing is going on, obsessed with remaining positive when Times Square is empty FFS and people are dying all over the world.
Note #3 I have not baked any bread yet. I have baked cookies though and brownies but that’s only because I like the idea of cooking with chocolate and then eating it. That makes me happy. Do whatever makes you happy. WHATEVER that is.
Note #4 I rely heavily on yoga. It’s like a drug for me right now. I have actually noted the NEED to do it, I feel a pull towards the mat, a craving to stretch, breathe and let go. I really want to do it in the morning but there’s no way I can do that with a full and busy household. I prefer an evening practice when I know at least two of them are in bed and won’t be needing me any time soon. Although yesterday just as I was getting into my downward dog position James shouted from his bedroom: “Mama I’ve done a poo.”
Note #5 I miss junk food. And really nice healthy food prepared FOR me. I miss going out to eat. I miss going out.
Note #6 I am as productive as I need to be. I am focusing on doing more of the stuff I love as opposed to the stuff I have to do. I released four interviews on the podcast this month, all unscheduled and hastily recorded and edited but I needed to do my part and I wasn’t about to come up with any excuses not to. I spoke with four amazing women who all shared their stories and words of comfort during this time, how they can help and what we can do too.
Note #7 I feel sick in my stomach thinking about all the women living in an abusive environment, unable to get away. Please please please, if you have any friends or family who you know might be living a nightmare right now, contact them. Don’t just call, FaceTime them, check in on them properly.
Note #8 Apart from yoga, I have taken to dancing my blues away. Turning the music way up and giving it my all has been very therapeutic. Feeling all that fresh blood pumping throughout my body can do miracles.
Note #9 I wonder what this whole self-isolation would be like if I didn’t have kids. Imagine the opportunities. Ha!
Note #10 What will that moment be like? When I can kiss and hug my loved ones? Will we go back to our old lives, old habits, old routines? What will the world look like after the coronavirus pandemic?
The last one plays on my mind frequently. I know for a fact that I will be a different person after this just as I know many of us will be. But will we be better? Will we learn to appreciate the little things like a hug and a kiss? Will we understand the value of money and a job, security and health care? And most importantly, will our kids?
Be safe x
