Authors like George Orwell wrote entire novels about what life would be like living in a surveillance state that watched your every move. Suffice to say, the picture he painted wasn’t pleasant and serves as a warning to us all.
But you can’t help but wonder where Orwell got his ideas. Was it the spectre of rising communism that dominated his thinking? Or was it just a function of his own childhood experiences?
If you’re fond of psychoanalytic explanations of the world, then the latter is more compelling. Nothing is more distressing for the nascent childhood mind than the constant worry that somebody is watching and judging you.
Parents need to be aware of this issue. Always hovering over you kids as they grow, learn and develop can have disastrous consequences.
Why Kids Need Space
When childhood development researchers talk about personal development, they will often talk about the importance of “exploring the world.” The idea is that growing up is all about mastering one’s environment and learning the physical and intellectual skills necessary to survive.
As humans, we are virtually unique in the animal kingdom for how long this process takes. A horse is born, lives and dies in the space of just twenty years. In the same time, a child goes from being a baby to collecting his or her college degree. Thus, humans are radically different from other large mammals in nature.
The reason for this incredibly long developmental ramp comes down to the sheer processing power and capacity of our brains. We evolved to stretch out the lifespan because of how long it takes us to develop into functional adults. It takes a tremendous amount of energy, effort and time to give the brain the skills it needs to navigate a complex social world.
The historical idea was that parents had to educate their children and provide them with the skills necessary to live a productive and healthy life. And that’s certainly how it played out through much of history. But caregivers weren’t always there keeping a watchful eye over proceedings. Instead, they mainly trusted their children’s innate curiosity to drive them to find out more about the world.
Kids shouldn’t have to look to you for approval when doing something. Instead, they need the tools to explore their environment on their own terms and self-regulate. Parents worry that if they don’t allow their kids free-range, their behaviour will deteriorate. And, for the first few times you try it, it probably will.
But the point isn’t to ensure that kids always behave themselves. It’s to ensure that they have the psychological tools to navigate life successfully. And sometimes, that means just trusting them to learn how to do the right thing, without much intervention.
Remember, giving your child small responsibilities is the gateway to providing them with bigger ones. The more you can trust them to do the right thing, the less you need to worry when you aren’t in the room.
Give Them A Space To Call Their Own
The second thing parents need to do is give their kids a space that they can genuinely call their own. The importance of this becomes apparent when you understand psychology. While kids need parents to guide them, they don’t want to be smothered by them. Having a personal retreat provides a safety valve – a place they know they can go if they need to take some time out.
A kids bedroom is more than just a room in the house with cabin beds. It’s a place where they feel like they have some ownership over their surroundings. The rest of the house is yours. But when it comes to the kids’ bedroom, the child has complete and total dominion.
Space For Younger Siblings
Kids also need space from other members of their family. During the day, there should be an opportunity to enjoy a bit of downtime – including being away from other siblings.
Allowing kids to have space is especially important when there has been a significant change in the family setup. Whether you provide Foster Care and welcome children that cannot be looked after by their birth parents into your home, or you have recently had another baby, the addition of extra people into the home environment can change the family dynamic. During these times of change, your children need to know that they still have your time and attention, but they may also need their own space while adjusting to the changes and settling into the new situation.
Remember, modern kids are saturated with stimuli. The TV, computer devices, friends, video games and text messages all compound to create minds that find it difficult to switch off.
Children, however, need a heavy dose of boredom from time to time. That’s what provokes their creativity and sparks their interest in problems. It’s how many of the world’s greatest writers got their start.
Building Trust
Finally, offering your kids space helps you to build mutual trust. When you allow your child free rein, you’re essentially telling them that you expect them to behave themselves even when you aren’t there.
For some parents, doing this can be a challenge, especially if supervision is a big part of your parenting style. You not only worry about them getting up to mischief, but you are also genuinely concerned about their safety.
The key here is to focus on long-term benefits. When you permit your children to have their own space, you’re implicitly telling them that you trust them. And that, in turn, helps to build their trust in you.
This idea might sound a little strange, but it makes a lot of sense when you explore it thoroughly. Kids need to know that you’re not going to come charging in the moment they do something you wouldn’t like. That sort of freedom helps them to feel relaxed around you.
It also shows them that you are an empathetic person – somebody who can see the world from their point of view—most children quite like the idea of being able to explore their environment in whatever way they like. So when you allow them to do it, they get the sense that you understand them.
Doing this encourages them to see the family setup positively. They know that they are free to roam – so to speak – when the mood takes them. But they also understand that you’re there when they need you, encouraging them to go to you when things get tough.
Giving your child space is a challenge for a lot of parents, but it does get easier with practice. It’s also essential for a happy upbringing.
This is a contributed post.
